month 4. day 9

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you knew id be hurt
you knew how long i would let this linger
you knew that this would bring me tears

yet you still said it
suddenly, brashly, and completely unconcerned

you call it lack of compassion
i call it insensitivity

i care not for compassion
i care for the fact that you decided to hurt me

month 4. day 8

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in her attempt to walk in the sun, she got burned.

 

ive tried for the longest time to find something that gives more ‘sense’ to living and existing.

something that is present just cause it was created and formed and present to be present.

something that just fits.

 

ive been through the highest of highs and lowest of lows and im just tired.

tired of the endlessness of it

wishing that somehow it would just end.

like a denouement regardless of being sudden.

 

today i “vocalized” (cause ive been swirling on the thought of such) that i may be bisexual.

but i wish it (the “vocalization” of such) would have happened in a better state.

 

i have yet to understand this.

 

coffee count: 4

COFFEE COUNT TO DATE: countless.

month 2. day 9.

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there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

 

currently in transition and lacking luster.

though ive held my head high through the “ordeal” the silence gets to me.

ive been so used to giving up all of me that the slow creeping in of my renewed self scares me.

although regaining my humanity was one of the main reason i had to leave behind something that drained me, i fear the halt and stand still i currently am in.

 

COFFEE COUNT: +2

 

day 28.

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while talking with a dear dear friend i found myself saying

“…theres work that you “work in/at” and theres work that you “work for/with”…”

i cant control what path my decisions lead me to but id prefer the later.

it would be ideal. it would be awesome. it would be more than this.

COFFEE COUNT : 7 big ass cups #pinkyfingeryiz

day 23.

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“If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” — Paul F. Davis

its been a whirlwind and i havent really been able to pause and speak to myself.

i love what i am doing but is the love enough, is the “doing” ever enough.

i grew up constantly hearing “love never says i have done enough” and though coming from a phase i partially regret HAHA it does give a “shot to the heart and youre to blame” kind of feeling.

do i love?

have i loved?

is it love?

 

COFFEE COUNT: + 4

day 14.

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i walked alone

along the streets i have yet to be fully acquainted to

ive walked along them before but never like this

a sense of the unfamiliar familiar crept in

it wasnt compelling nor was it comforting

it just made itself felt.

 

and as i walked alone

i started to fear my own shadow

 

——

i may have had very little caffeine today. HAHA!

 

COFFEE COUNT: +4

day 11.

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the day began in the manner ive been accustomed to

the usual humming of sounds i refuse to take notice

the usual urgency of being where i distastefully need to be.

 

yet within the cloud of frustrations and internal defeat a sense of content made itself felt.

peculiar, unwanted, lamentable yet most definitely present and carried itself with a calm and slow acknowledgement

 

at the moment, for lack of anything else, i obliged.

i allowed content to get to me. in spite of it.

we had a blast.

 

 

 

COFFEE COUNT: +3 (+2 if you count the caffeine from the tea cups i had)